lost in a world between fit and fat....

i am actively seeking new employment. this sucks because my current job is a dream. it allows me the ability to walk in and out whevever i damn well please, has a boss that's never around and only chit-chats when he is, gives hefty bonuses at holiday time and allows me to take day classes at school. i feel this is the best decision because one can't just ignore a thorn in one's side.

i once felt proud of my weight loss. dropping 4 dress sizes once made me feel powerful. not getting winded on a staircase made me smile. no longer seeing nurses get the "oh dear jesus!" look when they checked my blood pressure comforted me. seeing my newly lifted butt in mirrors used to make me do a little happy dance. lookin a little finer than i already was made me strut down the street just a little harder.

lately, however, someone has stolen the wind from my sails. the past few weeks i've felt lower and more under a scrutiny than i ever did when i was a ridiculous 230 lbs a few years back. by whom? by HER.... ms. condescending. her comments, her questions, her insinuations, her remarks, her attacks on my person and my character... have forced this decision. when she giggled and made a comment on how "big" the size of my lunch bag in the refrigerator was (note to reader: it was a salad in a large plastic container) i wanted to throw my stapler at her head. when she held the People magazine in my face discussing bathing suit clad sandra bullock's "pooochy stomach", "weight acceptance" and being "big but proud to show her body" i sat dumbfounded and speechless.

wtf? is rod serling playing a joke on me? i must have entered another dimension to actually hear what i thought i just heard.

ya know... i lead a rather healthy, organic lifestyle. i eat my kashi go-lean with blueberries. i drink nonfat soy instead of whole regular milk. i do step aerobics and get on the treadmill. i eat lean chicken and vegetables. i've dropped 50 lbs and plan to drop more. i'm beautiful, sexy and attractive. i eat as normally as any other inividual and have never in my life binge eaten. my weight gain was not because i was "lazy" or "uncaring". i gained weight some 9 years ago as the result of a devastating experience in which i wanted to hide the shapely body that some idiot chose to exploit and victimize. i didn't get lazy or gluttonous. i know me. i know my issues. i know who i am and what i'm about. i know my goals and am working hard toward them. i'm smart and capable. i'm the shit.

why is it she makes me forget all this? why is it she makes me feel bad? why do i turn at my desk and hide what i eat from her? why do i sneak my lunches in. why do i never mention shopping, dating or the gym with her? (answer to the last: she tends to insinuate i can do none of the three with ease).

yes... i am fully aware i could "pull her aside" and talk it out but 1) she's too ignorant and arrogant to even see that she is condescending to myself and others to recognize and change her actions and 2) in a small 4 person office where it usually is only the 2 of us working at times it would make for a bad working environment.

i had a gig last night and wanted to look reasonably hot. no one wants to go to the bar feeling bloated and over-full. my tate buds got the better of me and i opted for a lunch of chow mien and sesame chicken. oh it was quite tasty, but then... i got it.. that "oh so full" feeling and became angry at myself for not consuming water and veggies or just getting up and going to the gym.

moments later, an image of HER and thoughts of her many comments entered my mind. i actually, and honestly admit this, had the thought to go the bathroom and purge myself of the meal i had just partaken in so as not to have that "oh so full" look and feeling when i was onstage that night. i actually took some steps toward the door to do it. yes... sadly.. i did.

it was at that precise moment... i realized i had nearly lost my ever lovin' mind. i knew it was time to find another job and get as far from ms. condescending as possible.

never in my life do i want anyone's opinions of who they think i am or am not to lead me to actions such as the action i contemplated at that moment

now if you'll excuse me.. i'm going to go fix myself a bowl of kashi with blueberries and search job postings